Look at me
by starshards
Summary: There is a feeling building up inside him, and it hurts. He doesn't quite know what it is, and he doesn't know why Rei seems to hold the answer. How could he possibly stop the pain when it is him who is causing it? [BL KaRe]


Leo, happy birthday. I'm more selfish than Wifey, so I couldn't write you a TyKa, but I hope that this isn't too disappointing. I'm still in a slump, so this is the very best I could do.

xxxx

**-x-x-x-x-**

It burned his throat. Fingers of bitter anger and hurt clutching him like an invisible hand around the column of his throat, choking him, slowly enough for it to creep quietly upon him.

Kai wasn't good with social situations. He had never claimed to be, so he didn't know why it _hurt_ so much when other people crowded and pawed at the shining form of his team mate and friend- Rei Kon. He enticed them all with his seductively sparkling eyes and a smile that left all wondering what those lips tasted of.

Rei was quiet and reflective. He was wickedly funny and possessed no small amount of wisdom. He was self-critical and easy-going. He was arrogant and humble.

And Kai hated him for it. In Kai's eyes he was conflict- one thing and then another. How could he possibly trust _that_?

It _hurt_. It hurt because Rei was the only person on Earth who Kai felt close to. Was that just a ploy too? Was he just another victim to fall for that oh-so tempting charm? A charm that led so many astray, like the devil Himself, Rei was fey and he was beautiful and he was _deadly_. And more so, he was blissfully unaware.

And Kai's resentment continued to strangle him slowly.

Even beyond his closed lids as he leaned once again against the wall closest to the figures of his team, he was aware. He listened intently to the incessant ramblings, false modesty and smug flattery, punctuated by brief bouts of a soft, musical voice that inexplicably caused his breath to hitch.

Kai stood apart, as always. He wished so much that he could be like the numerous fans and bladers who approached his team so easily. He wished that he could step forwards and engage Rei in the type of conversation he would plan so meticulously in his head. And yet, every time, as his mind would urge him to just open his eyes and step forwards, to open his mouth and recite his well-planned conversation or witty anecdote, his courage would fail him. His eyes refused to open and his body remained heavily slumped against the wall with no intention of moving and then someone else would have approached Rei and the conversation would move on, leaving him no chance to impress.

More often than not, he would simply give up and walk away (his limbs coincidentally no longer feeling like lead weights) completely unnoticed, to go back to his room and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling and berating himself for his cowardice.

The pattern however came -literally- crashing to a halt during yet another meaningless party.

It started off just the same. Kai leaning, half shadowed and inapproachable against the wall closest to his team's position (which was –as usual- by the buffet table), and Rei surrounded by admirers and competition alike charming them with easy smiles and melodic laughter. It was a single question –or more specifically, one _answer_- however, which caught Kai off guard.

"So, Rei. Are you involved with anyone right now?"

This was not an uncommon question. Rei was a highly desirable individual, so suitors were not in short supply. Rei's reply though…

"Yeah."

Kai eyes snapped open when the word was fully processed.

"_Really_?" The girl –which Kai now observed to be blonde, heavily busted and caked in make-up- gasped in surprise, reflecting Kai's own hidden feelings.

"We've not been together long, so it's all still rather 'hush, hush.' Think you can keep it a secret?" Rei had the grace to sound shy.

"Oh wow! She's really luck—"

Kai didn't know how or why the glass he had been holding ended up in shards. One second he was staring at Rei, listening to the words leaving his mouth, and then the next there was a horrendous, jarring crash.

By the time the gasps faded away and Kai came back to awareness, he realised that there was a dark stain upon the wall, and crystalline fragments resting against the material of his glove and upon the floor. He also dully realised that almost every eye in the room was turned upon him.

Ignoring the stinging pain in his fingertips, Kai spun around –dropping the remains of his glass as he did so- and marched out of the room and into the hotel's lobby, heading for the exit.

He almost made it outside before his chances of a clean escape slipped through his bleeding fingers.

"Kai! Kai?"

Kai sighed and stopped, though he refused to look at the other. "What do you want, Rei?" He asked quietly.

Rei panted quietly- an indication that he'd been running- and cautiously reached out to place a hand upon Kai's upper arm. Kai almost growled at the fact that he had the audacity to be hesitant around him. "Kai, what's the matter?" The younger boy asked, his voice grave and worried.

"Nothing." Kai muttered.

"Nothing?" Rei echoed. "Kai, you just smashed a glass full of red wine into the wall. What _was_ that?"

"Just forget it. I'm tired." Kai responded, ignoring the disbelief in Rei's tone.

"You're _tired?_ Kai! Tired people don't throw glasses at the wall. _Especially_ not _you_." Kai made to move off once again, ignoring Rei's words. "Kai! Talk to me." Still the elder moved onwards, heading towards the doors leading to the outside world. He started however, when Rei caught him gently by the wrist. "Kai, you're bleeding." Rei spoke softly.

Kai paused then, marvelling at the warmth being emitted from the soft skin of Rei's fingers and palm. Swallowing, Kai dropped his gaze to the hand holding him so rigidly in place. Almost by its own will, it lifted until they met large, yellow eyes, shimmering in worry. Kai felt his throat constrict.

"What's the matter, Kai?" Rei asked once again.

"Rei…" He started, before he caught himself. Rei was a liar. He charmed people into becoming moronic losers who would fawn around him and then forgot about them. Kai's eyes narrowed and he yanked his arm out of Rei's lose grasp. "Don't touch me." He hissed.

"Kai!" Rei gaped. Without thinking, he reached out for Kai again.

Kai slapped his hand away, wincing in pain as he did so. "_Stop trying to touch me_!" He yelled, almost desperately.

Rei looked wounded by Kai's reaction. "Kai… are you _drunk_?"

"Of course I'm not." Kai hissed, looking away from him.

"Then what _is_ it? Kai, you can trust me. Just _talk_ to me." Rei urged.

Kai let lose a short, bitter laugh. "Trust? How can I trust _you?"_

Rei looked as though he had been physically hit and for a moment, and Kai was briefly touched by guilt, before he shrugged it off. "What…what have I done? I thought we were… I thought we were close, Kai." Rei whispered.

"Close? I _hate_ you, Rei." Kai hissed.

Rei looked down, causing his lengthy fringe to fall across his eyes. Guilt settled in Kai's stomach once more, stronger this time. After a long moment of silence, Rei spoke up. "Why?" He asked simply.

"You want my trust, but how can I?" Kai couldn't explain why he hadn't simply ignored the younger boy. He didn't understand why he was talking so openly when he was afraid of doing so in the first place. "You go around… _smiling_ at everyone and being _nice_ to everyone. It's like you're _whoring_ yourself off to anyone who'll look at you. You _charm_ them, and then you'll break their heart."

Rei still didn't look up. "… Whoring myself off?"

Kai continued. After all, Rei had wanted him to open up, so this was just what _he_ wanted. "You're a _liar_. You let people believe one thing about you and then you act like someone else entirely. So tell me, _how_ can I trust you when I don't know _who_ I'm trusting?" Kai breath grew heavier, though he didn't full realise that he was ranting. _This isn't like you_, some part of his mind tried to point out, but it went unheeded. "You're always smiling at everyone. You lead them to believe they could have a chance and then you crush it. I mean; just _when_ were you planning to tell me- _your so-called friend_- that you were in a relationship? You lie to me just like everyone—"

"I'm not." Rei responded quietly.

"What?" Kai tried to sound indifferent, but it came out as a rather angry bark.

Rei –still refusing to look at him- spoke very softly. "I'm not in a relationship. I'm just tired of people coming after me. I only said it to get some peace."

Kai glared at him, though he wasn't entirely sure why that made him so angry. "So you lied?" He accused.

"Yeah…" Rei cleared his throat. "I can't help wanting to be friendly, Kai. I can't help that I want people to like me, it's just who I am. So yeah, I seek others approval, and yeah, I am more than aware of my faults, but I have always, _always_ been honest with you."

"Your honesty means nothing." Kai hissed. He knew by that point that he was hurting Rei, but he couldn't help but feel that he deserved it. By stomping all over Rei's feelings, he was deriving some sort of vengeance for all of the hurt that Rei had caused _him_.

However, rather than turn and walk away, Rei surprised him by whipping his head up. The action caused his hair to fall away from his eyes, revealing twin citrine gems, sparkling as two symmetrical trails of tears slid down his flushed cheeks.

Kai was suddenly very, very unsure. "Tell me, Kai." Rei spoke, louder this time, his face a picture of both sadness and resolve. "Have you ever seen me cry?" Taking a step back, Kai's grew uneasy but said nothing. "After all of the _shit_ I have been through. Being _hated_ by my childhood friends, having no parents, being accused numerous times of being a traitor, losing Byakko, _twice_, being torn apart for the sake of my friends enough to land me in hospital, being made fun of, feeling lonely, feeling unworthy, regret, resentment, confusion… _everything_. Have you ever seen me cry?" Kai simply stared at him, slowly processing his words. "No." Rei answered for him. "And yet you still think I'm dishonest? This—" he broke off to point at the tears that still remained streaming down his face, "is the most honest I have been in my entire _life_. So _how_ can you stand there and say that I'm a liar?"

"I…" Kai's words died as his heart felt like it was twisting painfully within his chest. Why was Rei doing this to him? Why did he hurt him so much? "You hurt me. Friends aren't supposed to hurt this much." Kai responded, defensiveness making him grow angry once more.

"_How_ do I _hurt_ you so badly?" Rei asked, sounding desperate and more than a little hurt himself.

"Because…" Kai tried to speak, but his words grew muddled and clumsy. _Because I don't know which person is the real you. Because you never tell me anything real. Because you were the one who was supposed to understand me. _"Because…"

"Because _what_, Kai?" Rei pushed, sounding anxious.

Kai growled, angered by Rei's impatience. "Because you never look at _me_!" He shouted.

Rei pulled back, sunshine eyes wide in surprise. "Kai…"

"You never _look_ at me! You're always looking at everyone _else_ and it's not fair. I just want for you to look at _me_. Only me! I hate them because they're all falling over themselves just for a minute of your time, and I hate _you_ for giving it to them. You're supposed to _get_ me. You're the only person I feel close to, but you don't notice how much it fucking _hurts_. I hate you. I hate you for doing this to me. I hate—"

His rave was cut off rather suddenly by the awareness of warmth on his cheeks. His mouth worked slowly, though no words came, until he effectively 'trailed off'. Rei stared up at him and Kai couldn't help but find himself falling into the same trap that so many other hapless victims fell for.

The silence stretched out for a good minute, neither of them daring to look away, and both barely breathing until Rei spoke up finally. "Hate is a strong word, Kai, and I honestly don't think you're capable of it." Kai didn't argue back, instead his mind dwelled on how unnaturally comfortable Rei's palms felt upon his face. "Kai. I'm looking at you. If you want for me to be honest, then be honest with _me_."

Kai swallowed. Rei trusted him. Rei was putting his heart on his sleeve. Rei was silently letting him know that he was open and he was vulnerable and willing to let Kai hurt him but trusting that he wouldn't. "I'm afraid." Kai finally admitted, feeling like a disgusting coward.

Rei saw the shame in his eyes, and gave him a soft, reassuring smile. "Being afraid is natural, Kai. You're allowed to be afraid and don't ever think that you're not. When you said that you hated me, I've never felt so afraid in my life." Rei admitted and Kai began to see how this worked. Rei told him something he'd never tell anyone else, so…

"I'm afraid of how I… feel." Kai responded, closing his eyes to shut out the image of Rei's staring back. His mind only showed him the same picture, as refined as an exquisite painting.

"How you feel?" Rei pushed, more gently this time.

Kai opened his eyes once again, but looked away as much as Rei's hands would allow. "I don't understand. I just want to be able to talk to you. I want to be able to make you laugh and blush and smile and… I want for you to look at only me. I don't know why and I ha— I dislike that." He corrected. "I don't like not being in control and now all I want is your attention. I'm confused. It hurts so badly when you look at everyone else, because it feels like I don't exist to you. It feels like… it's agony. I don't understand any of this. I feel stupid. I don't feel like _me_ any more and it's scary."

Rei gave him a sympathetic smile. "Some parts of growing up are scary, Kai. Especially when you feel like you have no one to talk to, but you _do_, Kai. I'm not going to betray you and I'm not going to lie to you either. _I'm_ confused and _I'm_ scared too, but we have to trust that we'll be able to figure it all out." He reached up then, to brush some of Kai's silvery fringe out of his eyes. "Kai," He started, this time his voice barely above a whisper. "I can't give you _all_ of my attention, because then I'd have to leave this world behind, but I can give you more attention than anyone else in the world on one condition."

Kai couldn't help but feel compelled to reply. Rei seemed to know so much more about this sort of stuff than he did. Kai didn't like the idea of needing help, but he came to the conclusion that he rather needed it in this situation. "What?" He whispered.

"You can only look at _me_." Rei told him.

A sudden realisation struck Kai at that. "I do." He admitted softly.

Rei smiled. "Then I can uphold my end of the bargain."

"I don't want anyone else to see me. You're the only person who understands me and I was worried that I was losing that. I…" Kai blinked slowly and swallowed. "I'm sorry I said those things. I didn't want to make you cry, I just… I get so confused. I'm sorry, I—"

"Shhhh." Rei interrupted. "It's okay. This is what we do. We're both so good at hiding how we _really_ feel that neither of us can tell how much we're hurting." He chuckled quietly. "We're both too masculine to talk about feelings, right? Tch, how stupid are we?"

"It's okay to do this, right?" Kai whispered, as his hands twitched at his side, alerting him to the fact that perhaps they should be doing _something_. He just didn't know what, so he shrugged it off.

"I think it's necessary and…" Rei looked suddenly unsure and Kai felt a little alarm in the fact that his guide didn't seem to know what to do next. Haltingly, Rei leaned in closer as if giving Kai plenty of time to think for himself. No thoughts came, however, at least not until he felt something warm and so, _so_ soft pressed fleetingly to his cheek.

In that moment, while still confused, that pleasant tingling sensation upon his skin seemed to clarify something, and suddenly he was a little less unsure. The small part of his mind, which had known from the start, rejoiced when his hands lifted to softly splay against Rei's back and urged him on when he tilted his head to press his own soft kiss to the reddened skin of Rei's cheek.

Both paused to process the moment and the implications of their actions, before all further thought was shrugged off and, without the need for the words that were previously so necessary, they drew one another into a secure embrace.

Kai's heart fluttered as he buried his face in Rei's neck and, though he was no less fearful and only slightly less confused, Kai realised that he had and would never truly hate the tempting devil in his arms. Because he trusted Rei and Rei had promised him that from that moment on, he would be the only one to _see_ him.

And Kai trusted that, so he closed his eyes and stopped worrying for the first time in months, breathing in the scent of the friend he held so close.

At the back of his mind, Kai noted that it was suddenly a lot easier to breathe.

**-x-x-x-x-**

So I wanted to have something without an open admittance of love. I think they're in the transitional period of 'closer than friends, but too dim to realise that they're in love.'

Kai, rather than go into denial or whatever, simply lashes out in his confusion. It must completely rock his world (and not in the good way) to suddenly have these feelings. So I just wanted a different approach to their 'coming to be' as it were. :)


End file.
